HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE YOU WERE CARRYING AROUND A BALL AND CHAIN?

This song from my past is how many people feel (if you click on Show More the lyrics will appear).   Last November 15th, I wrote this post.  At the end of that post I asked for others to come forward to share their story.  I have 3 or 4 folks lined up so far who will guest post on  this battle with this Poison of legalism/pastoral abuse.  My plan is to use Wednesday for their stories.

BUT FIRST…IT.  IS.  TIME.  FOR.  MY.  STORY.

First, some background.  I was born and raised in church.  My mother had me there as soon as she could.   It was a Christian Church that had broken from the Disciples of Christ denomination.  The 2 pastors I grew up under were from Moody.   I had begun making plans to attend Moody (or some other school) when the second of those pastors left.  I soured on the church, even though I kept going.  Eventually the new pastor talked me into going to a school to look, and while there they promised me I would play basketball.  I was ready to go then! 🙂  Eventually, that school became my haven, my learning center, my “go to” place.   I adopted the doctrinal stand they taught (even though it was different from what I had been taught), and when I began to preach, that stand came out full force.

HOWEVER, AS  I  LOOK   BACK,  I  TOOK  IT  (WAY)  TOO  FAR!

I became a self-righteous, judgmental pig.  I began to espouse the old adage “Us 4, no more, shut the door.”  Even now as I type that it churns my stomach.  “If you don’t believe as I believe, then you cannot be a Christian.”  Do you know how disgusting that sounds?  I made an issue of the mode of baptism; the purpose of baptism; the frequency of Communion; the amount of times a person came to church; whether they tithed or not; social drinking; and more (but I am gagging now).   I thundered down from “on high.”  I rained down that garbage on unsuspecting people.  Meanwhile, my life was spiraling out of control.  Not the alcohol, drugs, affair kind.   I was a pompous, judgmental know-it-all.  Legalism was choking the life out of me.  THEN!!!

THEN…

BURNOUT

HAPPENED!

I cannot even begin to tell you what that is like.  No rope to hang onto.  Serving at a dead-end church that was so much like me I hated looking into the mirror.  They even questioned the time I helped my brother when he sang at a local Nazarene church’s Thanksgiving meal.  I HATED what I saw!!  Even worse…I didn’t like me.  I wish I could say I healed right away.  I can’t.  It literally took years (that was 1982) until finally God broke me.  It was 1995 after reading this book  that I finally gave up and gave in.  I was tired of pretending.  I was tired of being the “police” of everyone’s life.  Long story short: I wasn’t the victim; I was a perpetrator.   I wish I could go back to all those folks I hammered and apologize.  All those outside my “circle” of belief whom I sent to hell.  But, let me tell you: I will NOT make the same mistake again!

I am open to your thoughts on this.  Feel free to ask questions or to make comments (positive or negative).  I am also asking if you have a story of abuse or legalism to share it.  Please email me at pastoratovcf.org.  I would love to hear from you.