I began a short series on Unchained last week with this post.  I hope to have guest posts by people who have come out of legalism.  Susan is up first.   I have grown to know her as a person who not only has quite a story, but deeply cares about others caught in the trap of legalism.  She blogs here.  It is long but I have chosen to let Susan say what needs to be said (she even chopped it down!).  🙂  Please take the time to read it all.

My name is Susan, and I am a recovering religious addict. I’ve read that certain characteristics in some people may predispose them to religious addiction. First-born people pleasers, like me, who have been raised in dysfunctional authoritarian homes are high on the list. Other personality types are not immune, though; anyone in an emotionally vulnerable place may be gradually sucked into an unhealthy group.

The first time I was aware of the possibility that a pastor might not be right was when a traveling speaker who claimed to be a former warlock came to my church. He was allegedly raising money for a half-way house for people leaving witchcraft. He convinced most of the congregation that certain writers and other well-known celebrities were involved in witchcraft. It ended with a book burning in the church parking lot. C.S. Lewis was one of those writers. He was later proved a fraud.

In Portugal, we attended a church plant pastored by an American missionary. I was suffering from post partum depression one Sunday when I heard my name from the pulpit. The pastor was scolding me for not having a happy face while the congregation was singing. I walked out.

In 1990, we returned to the states. We missed Portugal and I suppose we were looking for someplace stable. We joined a non-denom church in the area in hopes that we might dodge the legalism of the denominational church we left in Portugal. But, we didn’t.

We were dealing with homesickness, and dealing with American culture, so I missed some cues I might have otherwise noticed. Then, I recognized the unspoken code when people who broke the unspoken code were chastised from the pulpit.

Most of the code was clear. Women must wear dresses or skirts. The bus ministry is the most important ministry in the church, and if you are not involved, your loyalty is questionable. If you aren’t in church every time the doors are open, your commitment to God is at stake, and he may take your children away from you.

The pastor used the Bible to teach that interracial marriage is against God’s will, and that any music that made you tap your toes or move any other way is ungodly. In a four-week series he taught that the King James Version of the Bible was the only acceptable translation, and why. He punctuated his sermons by reading excerpts from what he called “Bible perversions” and then tossing them onto the floor in front of the pulpit. He sent the teens to a Bible conference where the speaker emotionally manipulated kids to “get saved” with graphic descriptions of the tortures of hell. My oldest daughter was traumatized about her salvation for several years.

We left after seven years, and tried to find another church home. Then we vacationed in north central Florida where we had met some online friends. The lack of visible legalism refreshed us. We packed up and moved to Florida.

The pastor taught powerfully about the work of the Holy Spirit. Spiritual Warfare was something I’d had little teaching on. (Later I discovered that he used the Spiritual Warfare teaching to keep unruly members in line.) One Sunday morning, he held out as fact something that I was fairly certain was more like conjecture. I requested clarification. He answered me, but when I asked a second question, he said I was wasting his time.

Another Sunday morning he verbally chastised the congregation until someone finally went forward. My husband was concerned that about the lack of financial statements and that there was no board of deacons, nor elders. The pastor alleged that the boards existed as people who performed the work of those offices, but nothing official. Financial statements were available on request – but they were incomplete.

After two years we left the church. On the advice of a friend, we wrote a letter telling the pastor why we were leaving. Mere afterward, someone gave me a copy of a harsh, open letter he had left on the back table of the church to be picked up only by people to whom we had talked about the church. We had talked to only one family, but all letters disappeared. The letter was copied and passed on to others. People called the church saying we had talked about the church when all we had done was greet them.

I was devastated. I couldn’t sleep, and was having panic attacks. I wanted it to be over.

Stockholm syndrome is defined as a victim emotionally bonding with his/her abuser. Three months after that letter was out, I was in that pastor’s office apologizing for causing a problem. My poor husband simply could not understand why I would do that. A few months later, I persuaded him to go back to the church.

For the next six years my goal was to focus on keeping the pastor happy, and solving any problems that might come up. I threw myself into every ministry I could possibly manage, and some I couldn’t. I was home schooling my three children, and in 2003, we moved my mom down here because she needed someone to look after her.

In 2005, I had to go to work. I’d been taught you could not stop doing a ministry once you began, so I tried to keep up. I had become convinced, through the pastor’s teaching, that our church was the only one that had the most truth. I neglected my family, and eventually lost two jobs because I was unable to cope with it all. It seemed to me that God was always frowning at me.

My husband left the church in 2007. I tried, but was terrified and kept going back. The pastor used triangulation, manipulation and whatever he could to keep me there, I still wanted out but was unable to leave. It took another year and a painful experience for the Lord to extricate me completely me.

God, through the work of the Holy Spirit and the people where we now attend church, is healing. He doesn’t frown at me anymore. I am getting a full dose of mercy and grace one day at a time, as needed.  And, I am grateful.

Quite a story, won’t you admit?  Anyone else have a similar situation?  Any thoughts you would like to share? 

If you have a story to tell about legalism, and would like to be a part of these posts, contact me at pastoratovcf.org.