Welcome to the third installment of Unchained. The first two are here and here.  I met Jenn, as I have probably most of you, through someone else’s blog.   I liked her “style” and bookmarked it.  Since then we have contributed to the comment section of each other’s blog.  Jenn blogs at Random Thoughts.  While there, make sure you check out the pic of her pride and joy, 6 year old Shiloh.  She is going to be a heart-breaker some day.  🙂  Jenn’s Unchained testimony is long but well worth reading.   

When Bill asked me to write about my experiences with legalism, I thought it would be easy, but I have struggled with it more than I expected to. The worst of the legalism that I was a part of happened when I was so young that I really don’t know where to start.

I grew up in a strict home. There are things about the way I was raised that I absolutely appreciate, and there are things that I don’t agree with now that I’m an adult. What I didn’t realize until recently was that I grew up in a very legalist church (and because of that, also a legalistic household).

I knew the church I went to as a child was different. I knew there were problems and that the church split when I was in second grade. I even had memories of my pastor’s picture being in the newspaper, but I was too young to understand why.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that my cousin told me that she was studying about my former church in college, because it was labeled a cult. That made me curious so of course I Googled it. The things that I read brought back memories of from my childhood, and also explained some things to me.

The church I grew up in was founded in the late 60’s, but it started to become very authoritarian around the time I was born (1980), according to what I read. It still amazes me that one man could manipulate three thousand church members enough to destroy their lives, but he did.

The pastor had many rules and he enforced them by encouraging church members to report each other’s faults to him. Church members didn’t celebrate Christmas or Easter (I never celebrated either holiday until I was a teenager and my dad finally allowed it). Certain Christian books and bookstores were bad because they were spreading “false creeds”. Couples were not allowed to become engaged unless the pastor’s wife was informed first. Anyone that had a rebellious attitude was said to be possessed by the demon of rebellion. Visitors to the church were looked at with suspicion and often asked to leave.

The things I’ve mentioned are things I read about the church, but I don’t personally remember because of my age at the time (although I do remember plenty of talk about the demon of this or that). Now I’ll tell you a few of the things that I remember from my childhood, and that I have since learned were because of the church we attended.

To begin with, my brother and sister and I were born at home with the help of a midwife from the church. There is nothing wrong with this exactly, except that along with everything else I’ve learned, it just seems like one more way that the church kept its members separate from the world and even other Christians.

My family didn’t have a TV when I was a child, and anyone that did have a TV was “bad”. I can remember standing on my neighbor’s back porch and watching Full House through the glass door because I wasn’t allowed to watch TV. Also, secular music was bad, along with Contemporary Christian music. All I can actually remember listening to were tapes from the church.

The women all had to wear dresses, which is probably why I never wear dresses now. I was a tomboy and I had to wear shorts under my dresses so that I could still climb trees and wrestle with the boys. Oh, and jean skirts were a no-no also. Apparently the women were supposed to be very feminine and wear soft colors and lots of ruffles.

We also had to keep our hair long. I chopped all my hair off when I was eleven (we were not part of the church by then but my dad still followed most of their rules). What can I say? I’m a rebel I guess. My dad told me it was ugly and I cried, but as soon as it started to grow, I cut it again and when he made a comment about it, I didn’t cry.

We also couldn’t eat pork or shellfish. We weren’t Jewish, but for some reason the pastor decided that the foods were “unclean”.

My parents never owned a home until after we left the church. I recently found out that the pastor discouraged members from buying homes. I’m not sure why though.

The church also had a Bible college and elementary school. I don’t have a problem with Christian schools or colleges, but the church condemned people if they chose to send their children to secular schools instead. My brother and sister and I attended the church’s school even though it was expensive and my parents could barely afford it. Also, from what I have read online as an adult, they didn’t accept outsiders into the school. It was just another way to brainwash church members.

There are things that happened in the church before it split that were very strange. I won’t go into all of it simply because this post will go on for days. The things I’m skipping have more to do with the cult side of the church than legalism, although the two probably went hand-in-hand. To quickly sum it up, before the church finally split, there were affairs, divorces, suicides (including my mom’s best friend), a little girl was murdered by her mother “to protect her from the demon of hyperactivity”, several children were sexually abused by high ranking men in the church, and many friendships were destroyed.

Thankfully I was young enough that I wasn’t hurt too much by the things that happened at my former church. Sadly that isn’t the case for most. My dad, for example, has never found another church “that teaches the truth” so he doesn’t attend church.

I can’t explain why people were deceived the way they were by this pastor since I don’t understand it myself. I think that people were probably so involved in the church that they were afraid to leave. The pastor made sure people cut all ties to the outside world. When people rebelled and were “disfellowshipped” they had nowhere to turn.

Learning more about the church I came from has helped me to understand myself a little more. Even though I feel like I wasn’t affected by everything that went on, I know I was on some level. I have always been very skeptical of spiritual things. Not of God or the Bible, but of the things people say and do. I don’t blindly follow a pastor or a church. I question everything.

I have a hard time with people throwing out things like, “You can’t be a Christian if you do _____.” I’m not condoning living a lifestyle contrary to what the Bible teaches, and then calling yourself a Christian (that bothers me too), but some well meaning people come up with some crazy stuff. I’ve heard people say you can’t be a Christian if you’re Republican and I’ve heard others say you’re not a Christian if you’re a Democrat. I’ve also heard someone say that my pastor “destroyed our church” when he sold the old pews (after the church voted and agreed to it) and purchased pew chairs instead. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think the fact that your church had pews is going to get you into Heaven.

I still struggle with the idea of grace. I believe it completely, but I also have to constantly remind myself that my salvation isn’t in a checklist. I think this is probably because things were so legalistic in my home and church when I was a child.

I think that some good came out of my experience. My skeptical nature makes me study and search the scriptures for myself so that I will know if I’m being deceived. And I believe that God is big enough for my questions. I pray for discernment and I am constantly on guard so that I don’t allow myself to put my pastor on a pedestal. (And I also pray for my pastor and the other leaders in the church.) I’m involved in my church – very involved – but I could easily walk away if things got weird. And if I had to leave my church it would not affect my relationship with Jesus or keep me from finding another church.

From Bill: quite a story.  I was privy to the church she was raised in and due to certain reasons, she chose to leave out the name.  Trust me: it was a cult.  The dude even went off and started another one!  Anyway, please feel free to comment.  Jenn’s schedule has her back at school so  she will answer your comments when she has time.  Thanks for coming by.