I’ve been reading The Emotionally Destructive Relationship (EDR) by Leslie Vernick the past week or so. I have found it slow-going, not because the book isn’t good but my schedule is whacked right now. I had a few moments to sit down and read some on Tuesday night and read the following two thoughts. I share them with you for your consideration.
First some background: Leslie is writing about the consequences of an EDR and its effect upon an individual. Under Emotional Effects she wrote this:
Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you’re in a relationship that lacks mutual caring, safety, honesty, or respect, and you regularly feel anxiety, fear, shame, anger, or despair, then your emotions are warning you that you are in a destructive relationship. (p.51)
Under Generational Effects:
Children learn how to see themselves, others, the world, and even God through their parents’ eyes and actions. Children pick up on what makes life worth living for through the behaviors they witness at home, including destructive behaviors or attitudes not directed toward them. For example, many young boys living in homes where their fathers abuse their mothers learn that men have more power than women do. They observe that the way to get what they want is to threaten, force, or hit someone. They may even think God entitles them to act this way because they’re men…” (p.58)
I actually used the latter one in a conversation Wednesday with someone. It also comes down to breaking the cycle. it starts with me, with you, with our children, with those we know whom we can teach and model for.
What are your thought?
My initial thought is I 100% agree again. Scary.
How do you stop the cycle. That’s the $64000 question. Some religions say no divorce no matter what. That is obviously stupid. Parents are protected to do whatever right up to physical abuse. Mental abuse? No problem. I am involved with a transitional housing program for 16-20 year olds. What they have had to endure should be criminal. Some times it is most times it is not. Religions need to quit with the male dominance approach. Lawmakers need to ratchet up bad parenting penalties. We all need to complain to our politicians, support those organizations that are trying to break the cycle and create safe places for those abused, and do whatever we can no matter how small.
You hit on a major concern I have Jeff. I am deeply involved in helping some folks who have gone through and even some who are now experiencing this junk. I told one yesterday about the need to break the cycle. It is not easy but she is doing it. I tend to agree with you on the whole male dominance thing. I believe marriage is a cooperative thing and working together in mutual love and submission. I also agree about the need to ratchet up the penalties for abuse. This slap on the wrist stuff has to stop. I also admire your work with the transitional housing.
Definitely painful to read about. Even more painful to live through.
Yes it is Daniel.
I am totally 100 percent with Jeff. IN fact Bill, I am sending this to a women I am working with right now that I just had this conversation with two days ago. And I think I will post some of it on my fb. I come from this Bill and I can tell you it leave wounds that take powerful love to heal. Not even the love of a man could heal them, it took the super natural love of God. I have scars now instead of wounds, scars that I love to share about to help other women. heal. I am for sure going to order a few of this book…especially for the women I am working with. Thanks Bill, not just for sharing this book but for all the books you read and pass on to all who read your post.
Jeff gave a further response since your comment Betty. I have women coming to see me over the very issue you have had to deal with. She also has a book on the Emotionally Destructive Marriage which is really good. Glad I could help.
I sometimes say that I learned how to be a husband and dad by not doing what my dad did.
You and me both. Seems to me like you are doing a good job.