Tired of Pretending

Written by cycleguy on December 28th, 2010

It is the end of the year and most people will stop and “take stock” of their year-both good and bad.  You will hear a lot of “I would like to forgets”  and even some of “This was something goods.”  That is normal as we prepare ourselves for the new year.  I guarantee there will be pastors who will do it with their church calendar and highlight the highs and lows and possibly give a “State of the Church” address.  I have already seen the “Best Of” and “Top 10 Of” in blogging.  Please don’t get me wrong…I am not saying ANY of that is wrong.  Frankly, I am not computer savvy enough nor do I have “where with all” to go back for a whole year and figure those things out.  I applaud those who have that ability. Me?  I am so glad that I have a techgeek (his blog name) who oversees this mess called billgrandi.com.  😛  (Thanks Ryan)  I want to take a different approach in this post.   Call it the “part-of-what-is-going-through-my-head-right-now’ syndrome as I reflect on 2010 and the quickly approaching 2011.

I am tired of pretending…

  • …that everything is hunky dory, okey dokey or just plain fine.
  • …that everything is “Fine” when anyone asks me how I am doing.
  • …that I have it all together.
  • …that I have no clue sometimes where to go next (but pretend I do).
  • …that I don’t get upset when I get emails that blow my doors off.
  • …that I don’t get upset when I get emails that are selfish and sometimes mean-spirited.
  • …that I am not disappointed when someone chooses to leave the church community I pastor.
  • …that I am not disappointed when people just stop coming for no reason at all (least that is what they say).
  • …that I don’t want to tell people to “shut up” (words I don’t use) whenever they are critical of others.
  • …that I don’t want to tell people to leave if they don’t like the way things are.
  • …that there are times I want to blow people’s doors off for being part of the problem instead of part of the solution, i.e. grumbling and complaining instead of encouraging and pitching in.
  • …that there are times I don’t feel like preaching because my heart isn’t right.
  • …that sometimes I don’t feel like being around people (even though I have to be and smile while I am).
  • …that sometimes I don’t get mad or angry and want to throw things (or people).

Ever been there?  I recently finished reading a book called Grace Walk by Steve McVey.   The book is a highly recommended (mine) walk through grace.  On page 68 Steve includes the following prayer that he prayed one day in his office as he resigned from his church, in fact, as he resigned from trying to live the Christian life.  Here is the prayer:

Lord Jesus, I know now that I’ve gone about trying to live my whole life the wrong way.  I have tried and tried to live for You-to make my mark on this world for You.  I have tried, with Your help, to do a work for You in the churches I have served. But today, Lord, I quit.  I am not going to try anymore.  I understand now that You are my very life. So whatever needs to be done, You will have to do it through me.  I am going to rest in You and whatever happens-happens.  You are my life.

So…are you  tired of pretending?  Join the club.  I’d like to ask you (if you would like) to comment on this post.  Tell me what you are tired of pretending about.  Add to my list because I know I have not covered every base.   Rather than making a bunch of resolutions, let’s start by being REAL.  Yeah, I know that is overused but it still is a good place to start.  I would like to hear what you are thinking.

 

41 Comments so far ↓

  1. Michael says:

    …that I have it all figured out, because most of the time I feel like I don’t have a clue.

  2. Tom Raines says:

    LOVE it!! Let’s be real, wish I had the courage to just quit my job and trust God like Steve. I am tired of spending all my time and energy to live the worldly life and drowning in the mountains of debts I have acuired. I am tired of being a slave to the lendor and pretending I am not… I know God is using this and has opened my eyes to the error of my ways…it just gets tiring but God will help me overcome. I am just impatient. I really want to know what I am going to do instead of just doing the same old things that have kept me here. What does God want me to do? Do I need to know or just quit doing what I know doesn’t work…GREAT TOPIC and honesty Bill!

    • cycleguy says:

      Tom: thanks for the honesty. Know what you mean about being a slave to the lender. Trying to end that asap. however…not sure who Steve is. The questions you ask are good ones. thanks for the kind words and the comment.

      • Tom Raines says:

        It was steve mcvey that he had the courage to walk away from his church. I wish I had the courage to walk away from my job and just see what God wants to happen…ha

        • cycleguy says:

          Gotcha. Thot it might have been someone else. 🙂 I wrote that part exactly as he said in the book but I got the feeling that he was using it figuratively since he also talked about resigning from trying to live the Christian life. He still pastors a church. Unless you know something I don’t? 🙂 In either case it does take courage.

  3. Tired of pretending that I’m not a wreck. Even though I hate being a wreck and I want to be really good and successful and amazing and awesome. I’m pretty much a wreck and can’t seem to get over it.

    • cycleguy says:

      i sometimes feel that way also Bernard. What I noticed is that it gets tiring pretending so much. Glad you came by. Hope you, Karma and the kids had a good Christmas.

  4. Tony Alicea says:

    I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay with always being the strong one. Sometimes I need a safe place to just decompress. It happens sometimes even with my peers. I tend to be a safe place so they unload on me and I don’t always feel able to let my stuff out without appearing vulnerable.

    I convince myself that they need me to be strong for them. That’s garbage though. I’m ready to stop pretending and allow myself to not always appear to have it all together sometimes.

    • cycleguy says:

      Tony: thanks for the honesty. I wonder what people would think if all of a sudden you said, “Look! I need space.” That weight sure gets heavy. Always appreciate you coming by.

  5. Pinky says:

    It is hard to say out loud what I am tired of pretending about. I will put it this way: that I am happy and that everything is OK. That my heart doesn’t ache every night as I go to bed because of a certain problem that I can’t seem to change. That I feel the love that others think I do. There’s more but that’s all for now. This is a GOOD thing for me to think about for the new year though, so thank you for the idea. Maybe I can come up with some solutions and BE MORE REAL!!!!!!!!!!!! THanks again.

    • cycleguy says:

      Pinky: sometimes it is hard to say it out loud but when you do it does feel better. 😛 Glad you felt safe doing it here. Also glad I have given you an idea for the new year. Love having you come by to comment. Thanks.

  6. This is beautiful Bill. no really. Awesome.
    Your comments and the others who have joined help me see I am not alone.
    What am I tired off? Pretending that people’s words and actions don’t hurt me. That I am not devastated, reeling, bleeding and at times bitter and in great pain by the hurts by people who I trusted, who were part of the body of Christ, knowingly inflicted.
    ..tears…sorry…

    • cycleguy says:

      Thanks Julie. I could very well have included yours in my list. People sometimes say the most hurtful things “in love” of course. they have no clue what it means to say something in love or to act in love. Thanks for your honesty…and tears…and for coming by.

  7. Rocco Capra says:

    Excellent post Bill! And I love Steve’s message too!!

    Rocco

  8. Rocco Capra says:

    Oh, and as a warning from someone who has been walking ‘real’ for a few years now, you may loose some friends.
    When you stop pretending to be what everyone else thinks you should be, and start being the real you, some people won’t like it, and disown you. Either they don’t understand Grace in terms of the ‘rough edges’ of the real you, or your ‘realness’ will make them uncomfortable cause they just ain’t ready to take off their mask and be real themselves.
    But in light of knowing what God thinks of you, it’s all good!

  9. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and THANK YOU!

    There seems to be a thread of common thought going around these days. I reckon it is The Spirit setting us right, even when it is uncomfortable and painful.

    http://projectmathetes.wordpress.com/2010/12/28/time-for-some-honesty-part-2/

  10. lindaM says:

    Hi Bill,
    I had a circumstance occured a few months ago and it seemed as if I was going to be forced to pretend that everything was alright when I wasn’t sure that it was.
    I’m not good at pretending. I need things real in my life and in as much equalibrium as possible. (at least in my mind) 🙂

    I did ask God for help in this matter. I asked him to help me to respond the way I should in these relationships. This turned things from me having to pretend all was well into trying to follow what I believed that God wanted me to do. I satisfied my need for realness in my relationships
    and have left the door open. These people are not under any illusions as to my position in these matters. I believe that I have made that clear. I’m not saying one thing and believing something else, etc.

    I heard a story a few years ago of a woman in Mexico walking on a hilltop one day and she came across a dangerous and poisonous snake. It tried to attack her. She said its head would come a foot or two from her but it was like a protective barrier had been erected and the snake was hitting its head continuously on this invisible barrier. It couldn’t get through it to bite her.

    She said she stepped out onto a stage in India some years later feeling vulnerable and in a dangerous situation. That same sense of a barrier was around her when she gave her talk as she was aware that snipers with guns were likely pointed her way.

    God seems to have done something like that in my life at this time. I still get hurt but the hurt doesn’t stay with me. I get past it somehow. On the other hand, I’ve led a pretty sheltered life in many ways. I lived with a social recluse for 30+ years and was a stay at home mom with my 2 kids for nearly 20 years. I’ve had the freedom to be myself in ways that some others may not have had as easily in their life’s path.

    What I know is God is faithful. Talk to you later.

    • cycleguy says:

      Linda: glad you were able to be real and those who it involved now know you will be. That can only help or hinder the relationship. Hopefully it will help and heal. Thanks for the comment.

  11. Tony York says:

    Can I just be simply … tired?

    December has been a whirlwind. I spent the first two weeks working long, long, long hours and traveling to Houston.

    Had to rush home in the middle of the month because my grandmother was failing fast following a double stroke on Thanksgiving day. I hosted my parents and my brother’s family between returning home from Houston and my grandmother’s funeral 2 days before Christmas.

    Ah.. then there is Christmas Eve and Christmas with all its activities.

    Now I am sitting at work unmotivated to fill out an expense report for my earlier travels. I just want to sit down and read.

    I just sat down and pulled the pages off my calendar between December 9th and today. Today’s bible verse states, “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

    Probably a lesson in there somewhere about my ‘just being tired’.

    😉

    • cycleguy says:

      Dude! you make me tired just reading!! Sorry to hear about your grandma. That has got to be hard having a funeral 2 days before Christmas. I pray for you to know the “sharing of the burden” that comes from the yoke. Always good to hear from you.

  12. Toby says:

    Well Bill, as you might guess, I don’t pretend much, nor do I leave much unsaid……to a fault actually.

    BUT I’m getting off of the resolution bandwagon and going another route. I wrote about it, but it won’t hit til the 3rd :D. Until then…..

    • cycleguy says:

      Toby: yeah sort of figured that about you. 🙂 I am not on the resolution bandwagon either. Haven’t been for several years now. Sets me up for failure. I prefer to simply say, “God do your work in me. Bring it to completion according to Your Word.” Thanks for the comment. Look forward to reading yours.

  13. Craig says:

    I’ll join. I have this theory that Christians are like lions. If we get hurt we hide it because we’re afraid the other lions will abandon us (I watch Discovery Channel).

    We all pretend. We all wear masks, and you my friend, as a Pastor – wow how hard it must be to not wear one because you feel you have to be always up, always knowing. But maybe none of us really do. Not in the body. I still keep mine on mostly. I am laying it down more often though.

    Let’s see:
    – not to pretend I don’t get lonely as a single old guy
    – not to pretend that mean actions don’t hurt me

    I’ll stick with those two, and now put my mask back on.

    There

    Baby steps.

    God Bless

    • cycleguy says:

      Craig: what a great “tip” you gave about the lion. I did not know that. Yeah, I think that is what we are afraid of. Okay, at least me. Thanks for your honesty in slipping your mask off. Take those baby steps one at a time. Thanks for the input.

  14. Can I be tired of being real? Sometimes I want to be as fake as the next guy! Alas…that is not the way of a son. Good post bro’

    • cycleguy says:

      Jay: unfortunately, you are right. Sometimes we do want to be fake as the next guy but as you point out that is not the way of the son. Thanks for checking in. 🙂

  15. Tami Grandi says:

    I’m tired of feeling like I HAVE to have it all figured out and if I don’t then feeling like I have failed…

  16. selahV says:

    tired of pretending period. great post, Bill. selahV

  17. jasonS says:

    I can only echo 98% of what you already said. Pretending doesn’t help, but bringing it to the Father does. I just wish I always remembered that when I need it most. Thanks Bill.

  18. David says:

    Tired, of just trying to hold things together, I feel like I am juggling 10 things with two hands. Tired of failing as a Dad, tired of pretending I have even an inkling of how the Christian life is suppose to work. My life is a mess inside. I have started to share a little with a friend and it has helped but until I change the issues that are killing me inside sharing may relieve the effort of hiding it from others but I still have so much further to go. Thanks for your willingness to share with everyone.

    • cycleguy says:

      David: you are new around here and want to thank you for taking the time to respond and express your thoughts. Thanks for your honesty. You are always welcome to comment.