(UN)CHAINED

Written by cycleguy on January 3rd, 2012

HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE YOU WERE CARRYING AROUND A BALL AND CHAIN?

This song from my past is how many people feel (if you click on Show More the lyrics will appear).   Last November 15th, I wrote this post.  At the end of that post I asked for others to come forward to share their story.  I have 3 or 4 folks lined up so far who will guest post on  this battle with this Poison of legalism/pastoral abuse.  My plan is to use Wednesday for their stories.

BUT FIRST…IT.  IS.  TIME.  FOR.  MY.  STORY.

First, some background.  I was born and raised in church.  My mother had me there as soon as she could.   It was a Christian Church that had broken from the Disciples of Christ denomination.  The 2 pastors I grew up under were from Moody.   I had begun making plans to attend Moody (or some other school) when the second of those pastors left.  I soured on the church, even though I kept going.  Eventually the new pastor talked me into going to a school to look, and while there they promised me I would play basketball.  I was ready to go then! 🙂  Eventually, that school became my haven, my learning center, my “go to” place.   I adopted the doctrinal stand they taught (even though it was different from what I had been taught), and when I began to preach, that stand came out full force.

HOWEVER, AS  I  LOOK   BACK,  I  TOOK  IT  (WAY)  TOO  FAR!

I became a self-righteous, judgmental pig.  I began to espouse the old adage “Us 4, no more, shut the door.”  Even now as I type that it churns my stomach.  “If you don’t believe as I believe, then you cannot be a Christian.”  Do you know how disgusting that sounds?  I made an issue of the mode of baptism; the purpose of baptism; the frequency of Communion; the amount of times a person came to church; whether they tithed or not; social drinking; and more (but I am gagging now).   I thundered down from “on high.”  I rained down that garbage on unsuspecting people.  Meanwhile, my life was spiraling out of control.  Not the alcohol, drugs, affair kind.   I was a pompous, judgmental know-it-all.  Legalism was choking the life out of me.  THEN!!!

THEN…

BURNOUT

HAPPENED!

I cannot even begin to tell you what that is like.  No rope to hang onto.  Serving at a dead-end church that was so much like me I hated looking into the mirror.  They even questioned the time I helped my brother when he sang at a local Nazarene church’s Thanksgiving meal.  I HATED what I saw!!  Even worse…I didn’t like me.  I wish I could say I healed right away.  I can’t.  It literally took years (that was 1982) until finally God broke me.  It was 1995 after reading this book  that I finally gave up and gave in.  I was tired of pretending.  I was tired of being the “police” of everyone’s life.  Long story short: I wasn’t the victim; I was a perpetrator.   I wish I could go back to all those folks I hammered and apologize.  All those outside my “circle” of belief whom I sent to hell.  But, let me tell you: I will NOT make the same mistake again!

I am open to your thoughts on this.  Feel free to ask questions or to make comments (positive or negative).  I am also asking if you have a story of abuse or legalism to share it.  Please email me at pastoratovcf.org.  I would love to hear from you.

 

41 Comments so far ↓

  1. jeff says:

    I think most religions should be required to post a warning much like those on cigarette packages. “This may be harmful to your health.Mental and physical.”
    I think you were most certainly a victim. It sounds like you had these things pounded into you from the very beginning and well before the age of reason. It is quite normal for a victim to become a perpetrator whether the abuse is mental, sexual, or physical.
    I think most religions practice a form of child abuse whether it is the behavioral control to be had from the stories of Hell and God’s judgement or the warped outcomes from the bizarre approaches to sex. And there are many others.
    To survive as a healthy adult can be quite a challenge.
    Thanks for the story.

    • cycleguy says:

      While I would agree that most religions might need that warning, I would have to clear something up. I did not have these things pounded into me. In fact, I had some extremely disappointed relatives that I took the path I did. I chose that path. I also chose the path I took in my preaching, teaching, etc. I have survived not by my own doing but by God’s grace. Thanks for the comment Jeff.

  2. Naomi says:

    I was brought up hat-wearing no woman takeing part, brethren. I was ‘saved’ and baptised aged 12. But last year at age 37 I realised I hadn’t known God at all, and I got baptised by my own choice. I had been taught of a God that judges and despises sinners and I was so unworthy. I rebelled against everything as a teenager, except going to church because I knew my parents wouldn’t be able to handle the shame of haveing a child that had turned away from God.
    The God I know now, loves me, he also loves my friends who go to different denominations, he doesn’t mind which bits of the Bible we have mis-understood, so long as we get the bit where His son died for us, and long to be followers of Him.

    • cycleguy says:

      Thanks for your story Naomi. Went to your site and began to watch the video but had to stop because of time. I know of others like you, who at a later age, come to know Jesus as their Savior and not just facts about Him. Yes, He does love others besides us. So glad you came and commented. Thanks.

  3. Jim F says:

    Thanks Bill for sharing your story. As I read it I remember it pretty vividly as you had told me this in the car on the way back to the hotel while we were at the Sticks. I thank God that story is your former self!

    • cycleguy says:

      You’re welcome Jim. I had forgotten about sharing my story with you at Sticks. But i will certainly agree with you: I thank God that was my former self. I thank God for our friendship as well.

  4. Rob Shepherd says:

    Yeah, I’ve been there. In college I felt that if I didn’t pray on my knees I wouldn’t be blessed by God. I was also sure that if I didn’t read my Bible God would cause me to have a bad day. My understanding was based off works. If I did what I was supposed to do God would bless me. If I didn’t it would = me getting beat to a pulp, hit by a car, or the bubonic plague.

    • cycleguy says:

      You hit the nail on the head Rob. The essence of legalism is works. “Do this or else.” “Don’t do this or else.” Thanks for a good follow up comment.

  5. Susan says:

    Legalism destroys. Grace is life-giving. I’m thanking God for the grace given to you, Bill, to shake you loose from legalism, and to minister to those who have been damaged by it.

    • cycleguy says:

      You know from our conversations Susan I totally agree with you. I look forward to posting your story next week. I think it is going to be eye-opening for many. Thanks for the encouragement to minister to others.

      • Susan says:

        I finally got a copy of Wisdom Hunter and read it a few months ago. Great story! What a cliff hanger!

        Healing from legalism is crazy hurting. Can you hear, “Cognitive dissonance bouncing you off the ceiling?”

        God is so patient and loving.

        • cycleguy says:

          Yes He is Susan. I am continually taken aback by that truth. Can’t wait to share your story. BTW: if you can get a copy of Betrayal by Randy you will be captured by it!! Promise!

  6. Craig says:

    I know of what you speak. I think I’ll have to shoot you an email Bill. The air breathes different on the other side of legalism, doesn’t it? 🙂

    • cycleguy says:

      I love that statement Craig: “the air breathes different on the other side of legalism.” Please shoot me that email. Thanks Craig.

  7. Moe says:

    Thank you for sharing this Bill. I’m so glad you were able to escape those chains. Truth be told, there are many that are enslaved to the doctrine of legalism.

    I’ve noticed that one key characteristic of someone who is legalistic is someone who will not be open to discussing doctrine. It’s his way or the highway. That’s no way to live.

    We have to be willing to discuss in a friendly and open matter issues of faith. And even if we agree to disagree doing so in a way that it doesn’t damage relationships.

    To me, it goes back to the greatest of all gifts. Love. If love is absent in all we do, we are just a loud, annoying, out of tune instrument.

    Our faith should be grounded in “having compassion over the multitudes”.

    • cycleguy says:

      Your comment is so right on Moe. While I was open to discussing doctrine, it was more “I was open to arguing with you so I could change your belief.” That is so ugly. I like your way much better. You are right though: it is about love. Thanks for your thoughts.

  8. Tom says:

    Thanks for sharing Bill. I have been known to dig my heals in on my understanding as well. I have lived long enough to know I don’t know much. I can not lean on my understanding any longer. I have to trust God and His work in others. Encourage others to seek Him and not what is “right”. Hmmm, since I was on doing “right” today you have me thinking, again…thanks!

    • cycleguy says:

      You’re welcome Tom. I like what you say: we don’t know much. We need to trust God more to do His work in lives, not our own disguised as truth telling. Thanks for the comment.

  9. Stephen says:

    Bill… just when I thought I was getting to know you- I must say, I am appalled! You helped out at a Nazarene function!??!
    :p Sorry I don’t mean to light of something that was (at least at the time) serious.
    But I’m with you- legalism has no place in the Kingdom! I think there will be a lot of very surprised and uncomfortable Christians when they arrive in Heaven to find all those people who they’d condemned at one time.

    • cycleguy says:

      Yeah, sorry to blow that image for you Stephen. Hopefully, you won’t hold it against me too much. 🙂 It was truly sad, but it was a big catalyst to waking me up. I certainly agree we may be surprised who is in heaven and who is not. 😉 thanks for your thoughts.

  10. It frustrates me the denominational lines that get drawn up sometimes. I’m all for correct doctrine, and I want to know the truth, speak the truth, learn the truth, and teach others the truth. But there comes a point where you’re not interested in truth anymore but being the smartest/holiest person in the room. It’s pride.

    • cycleguy says:

      To my shame, you are describing me Loren. I cannot tell you how many times I have repented of that “devilish” attitude. Thanks for saying what needs said.

  11. lindaM says:

    Hi Bill,
    The way that I define legalism in my mind is believers (and unbelievers) trying to obey God in their flesh instead of through the Spirit of God.

    Legalism needs and requires absolute control over its world. These type of leaders (and others) need to vet everything, make most if not all of the decisions, be in the center of all activity. They need to be noticed, admired, exalted, and obeyed by the people who attend their churches (and in their personal lives). They are very good at teaching people how to give them what they want and how they are to be treated. They wrap this need up in the words ‘annointed of God’ ‘shepherd”leader’ ‘God’s man’ etc. They misuse Christianity to meet their own needs. They are smart, many times very intelligent, they’ve likely been controlling and manipulating people most of their lives. They know the ins and outs of how to do this.
    The idea of using God and his name as their authority to do this with believers in the church is irresistable. (I don’t think this applies to every legalistic leader, but I think it is a strong motive for many). Their own distorted beliefs about how God wants them to lead is another driver I think.

    To my thinking when people are freed from the distortions and misuse of God in legalism they associate godly disciplines with legalism and reject them. They reject the good that was taught to them through control and abuse of their persons by these ‘leaders’. Not everything taught by legalistic leaders is bad. It’s the method, the motive, the need to control others that is bad. Not necessarily the message. This to me, is a very fine distinction and difficult to get to after being held in the iron grips of a ruthless contoller.

    • cycleguy says:

      Legalism is definitely tied to works Linda. No doubt about it. It makes it worse, as you describe, when those who are supposed to be shepherds and love their people, beat them over the head with the Bible, or their own ideas. When Christianity is relegated down to list of dos and don’ts, legalism is the ugly result. Thanks for the comment.

  12. Man, this a huge post…legalism sucks the life of our walk with Christ. Thanks Bill for the willingness to tackle this issue!

    If you feel that you can follow a few little rules or some clever gimmicks to make you a mature Christian, then you have fallen into a subtle trap of legalism. – J. Vernon McGee

    • cycleguy says:

      Thanks for your thoughts jay. Really appreciate the quote. i also know it is a little bit late but take a peak at Jay’s site. His daughter wrote a fantastic blog.

  13. floyd says:

    God loves a humble heart and opposes the proud. I’m not really sure how the church missed the verse, “pride cometh before a fall, but they did in many ways.

    The smaller a person becomes in God’s economy, the bigger they become in God’s economy. Your heart is huge lift to anyone who reads and a blessing from and for God.

    I’ll try to work on that story if you have need, if not that’s fine too. Thanks for the honesty that marks the life of a true man of God.

    • cycleguy says:

      Humility was definitely lacking in my life floyd. pride is an ugly factor in legalistic teaching. Thanks for your kind words also. And yes, please write that story for me. I would love to include it.

  14. lindaM says:

    Hi Bill,
    I promised I would only make one or two comments per post this week. This is my second 🙂

    I think we have to try and put our past behind us, forgive ourselves, ask God and others for forgiveness and go forward. We have made mistakes in the past, we may make a few mistakes in the future (hopefully small mistakes). We’ve learned from our experiences, have made some changes through God, and so on.

    labelling ourselves as ‘victims’ and ‘perpetrators’ has its purpose for a time to correct errors. Once errors have been corrected its time to move on.
    I made lots of mistakes as a parent. I can’t and shouldn’t flog myself over having made these mistakes for the rest of my life. I’m now looking to God for the future minus guilt. I admit to my errors with my kids but I hope I do not give them permission to make excuses for themselves based on my errors.

    Kudos to you Bill for finding your way out of legalism. For sure God’s hand is in these types of deliverances. His mercy and grace. God had to deliver me dramatically in the middle of worship service to get me moving out.

    Now our challenge is to keep sorting out and rightly dividing the Word of God.

    I want to say to you Jeff that the Bible and faith in Jesus Christ and his works is perfect and righteous. What we deal with in Christianity and the church is the flesh and sin.
    The world offers far less than Christianity in my mind. Christianity is not the problem, our sin is.

    • cycleguy says:

      Life was not meant to be lived in a rear view mirror. I read that recently. I love it! I only look back for the purpose of learning. Guilt is a killer. Thanks linda.

  15. Michael says:

    The fact that you just shared this personal part of your life proves that God has made changes in your heart……and I have never known that other Bill. I have only known the loving, supportive, caring, creative, wanting to bring people to Jesus Bill. I’m thankful God molded you into the Godly man that you are and your experience has made you more conscience of your actions…a learning experience from God. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s courageous to do that. Love ya!

    • cycleguy says:

      I’m glad you never knew that Bill. Thanks so much Jan for your gracious words. I am humbled that you think that of me. It is only because of His work in me. Love ya too.

  16. Jason says:

    I can’t say more than what’s already been said other than to say I’m very glad that you’ve come through the fire and are standing on the solid rock again, my friend.

  17. Jon says:

    I can definitely relate to the legalism aspects…but I’ll save that for my post. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing, Bill. I get both furious/sad for people that still approach faith with this mentality.

  18. jeff says:

    I just want to say to you that I respect your belief and will take your advice on remaining suspect of Christianity and the church.

  19. jeff says:

    That comment was for Linda. Not sure how that threads.

  20. jenn says:

    Sorry I’m so late reading this. I think it is easy for well-meaning people to fall into legalism sometimes. I’m glad you found your way out. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Also, I’m working on my post. I’m just having a hard time with what to say and what to not say. I’ll send it to you by the end of the week.