I’ve been addressing a very touchy subject which really affects those who are struggling with pain and suffering. What sometimes happens is well-meaning people saying stupid ignorant things for various reasons. I’ve been using a book by Dave Furman called Being There as a reference. You can check out the two previous posts on this subject here and here. My summary of the first two posts of “Whatever You Do, Don’t Do These Things” is below. For a fuller discussion please check out the links to the previous posts.
#1- Don’t Be the Fix-it Person
#2- Don’t Play the Comparison Game
#3- Don’t Make It Their Identity
#4- Don’t Promise Deliverance Now
#5- Don’t Encourage Them to Just “Move On”
#6- Don’t Bring on the Inquisition. The last thing a person suffering needs is the 3rd degree. When I was in the ER hallway for 8 hours following my bike wreck, I had some come by to see if I was okay. I was so grateful they didn’t give me or Jo the 3rd degree. Was it a car? Where was it at? Did he go into a ditch? All sorts of scenarios went through peoples’ minds I’m sure, but they were gracious enough and didn’t ask. Since I was somewhat out of it from time to time they were also wise enough not to text my phone. If you find yourself in a visiting situation, this is not the time to “play Job’s friends” and ask questions like “Was it his/her fault?” If you are at a funeral home, don’t go asking if the person was close to the deceased person. When at a loss for words the best thing to say may be, “I just want you to know I love you and am praying for you.” The Bible says to “Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.” So…do you really think I wanted to hear questions?
#7- Don’t Be Hyperspiritual. I’ve heard this. You have too. Sadly, and to my horror, I’m sure I have even said it. Can you imagine how insensitive it is to go up to someone who has just lost a baby or a father or a (fill in the blank) and say, “Praise the Lord! They are in heaven!” Or “Praise the Lord no more pain!” It is one thing to agree with the grieving person who might say that, but to offer it? WOW! That is the height of insensitivity. How about the cliches we use: “Look on the bright side.” What bright side? “I’ve just lost someone close to me for crying out loud!” Sorry…better get off my soapbox. Again, the best thing to do is just be there.
Whew! I am long-winded. I’ll continue this another post. Please feel free to comment and if you think this is helpful please pass it along.
That was one nasty bike wreck!
Often, the best thing you can do when someone’s suffering is to sit with them and be there. Words aren’t necessary.
Bill, I remember that photo – oh, what a time you had!!!
Your great advice continues, too. I like what Glynn said above – sometimes words aren’t even necessary.
Blessings!